Emotional Trauma

PROLOGUE

The following has been written following on from the recent and tragic suicide of a former St Olaves pupil. Our heartfelt condolences go out to his family and the loved ones that he leaves behind, particularly his friends

 It is also written from a purely Muslim and personal standpoint. 

If you need help then please refer to qualified counsellors. 

It is further written specifically for a Muslim and Friends WhatsApp group that I run for guys that play 5aSide football with us in Beckenham. There our ages range from upwards of 14 (who we ask to be accompanied by an adult with parental responsibility) to over 50s. We organise random teams, and as evenly as possible spread out the talent and the ages. 

EMOTIONAL TRAUMA

Roughly 3 in 4 of suicide attempts made by 14 to 24 year olds are boys and young men.

Of course the emotional trauma that attends to the general population, will also attend to our friends here and our younger brothers. 

And of course the way that we approach such problem is marked by our belief, and so what I say here is not as a trained counsellor. 

In just under a week it will be over 30 years since my friend Mark Evans took his life aged 15. We were at Kingsbury High School, and although we did not have the same friends’ circle, I still considered him my friend since we had English and PE together. 

The first we heard, the school gathered us together in a impromptu hall assembly with all the other years, all 900 of us crammed into a hall. 

And I couldn’t hear a word of what was said, but saw people dazed and others crying. Following on all we had were rumours, and no certitude, nor any help. 

And so I have had no closure for over 30 years. And still don’t know what happened. Not even the means that he used, let alone any snippet of information. 

And so every so often I try to review and revisit that time, and try to make sense of what happened. 

Unfortunately for me his parents had him cremated, and so there is not even a resting place that I can homage to. 

The human need for narrative is an important one, that no one should overlook not least those that have suffered trauma. 

That we need a narrative to make sense of it all. And then it is that narrative that can really determine what we make of our lives going on from there. 

Suicide is haram, forbidden. 

And for good reason. 

Life is a beautiful gift, and to despair of God’s good grace is something that no one should do. And then to throw away a life when so many suffer much worse than us, and yet continue to hope even until their last breath, is an insult to them. And an insult to God, who created you in the first, and nourishes you from places you cannot see, in the second. 

And yet every now and then I make excuses for Mark, and beg that God forgive him and accept him. We are all human, and we feel and we have empathy for those who feel such desperation. 

They say that the pressures that cause such hidden despair are on the rise- from the parental expectation to do well in exams, to the expectation to be a pillar of strength (or even a good laugh) from your friends, and of course the incessant bullying of a 24/7 culture. For the twenty year olds they say it is more money pressures that play a larger role- that you feel bound to go out and spend, even when the capital is sparse. 

But I don’t believe the desperation is really born of such pressures, nor of the trauma that such pressures might inevitably bring. 

But is really born of a sense of purposelessness. 

And I admit that that is my Muslimness shining through, but then as I said before very much who we are is determined by the narrative that we allow ourselves to be guided by. And then the choice is about which narrative is best, and which to choose. 

The questions that really hurt, are those that can cause an emptiness to well up inside us. And it is this emptiness that I believe can only temporarily be bridged by dialogue because in essence they are about belief, that cannot be skated around. 

Why am I here?

Is this all that there really is?

And the anticlimax of being told... yes, that’s it- you live and you die- and that’s all there is, nothing more. 

It was the same anticlimax that took hold of me just after my A levels had finished. And after all that hard graft, that sense of pointlessness was palpable. On some days I hardly woke, and I suppose you could say that I was suicidal (but I didn’t say that then, and I won’t now). 

But we Muslims are fortunate. 

For Islam came to me at 18, when I was away from home at the University of Bath. 

A friend took me to spend a night in a Mosque, and there I felt a tranquility and peace that I had never felt before. 

That I belonged, and had found my place in praising God. 

For we Muslims are fortunate, for Islam. (Submission to the will of the Most Gracious). For 

1- there you know your purpose, to praise and serve your Creator, the Most Gracious. The One that gives without measure. 

2- And you know your place, alongside the whole cosmos, and everything within it, to likewise serve and praise our Creator, the Great, the Wise. 

The One who knows you better than you know yourself. 

3- And you have your Dhikr (remembrance of God) which repeatedly said will break the cycle of any negative thoughts. 

4- And you have the greatest of Dhikrs, which when recited sonorously calms any heart- the Quran. (Indeed in the remembrance of God, let hearts find peace). 

5- And you have your 5 daily prayers, that lend structure to your lives. Even the simplest of routines; such as making your bed after you wake up, or remembering and thanking God when you sup; help to give us the structure we crave and need. Then imagine something that was God sent, and placed at the five corners of each day. 

6- And you have your community of brothers, who more than anyone would do anything for you. For they remember that to help you in your hour of need is more than if they spent the last ten days secluded in prayer in the blessed month of Ramadan. 

7- And if you have suffered trauma, psychological or otherwise. Then what is important is that you build a positive narrative to make sense of it all. That you try to focus yourself on the good from it all, for there will always, God willing, be some good. And this is Qadr’Allah, a unique belief for the Muslims, whereby the Messenger (saw) informed us that for the Muslims there is always good no matter what happens. 

Even if that good is your resilience in the face of hardship, focus on that. 

That you are a fighter. 

8- And if you are in a relationship that hurts. Then, as much as possible, remove yourself from that relationship. 

For nothing good comes from things that oppress the soul. 

And if you cannot remove yourself from it, then as much as possible try to minimise its impact on your soul. 

Minimise your exposure, and fight against the negativity with patience and positivity. 

Remember as a general rule people do not change. Circumstance change, and people remain the same. 

So try your best to change your circumstances. And if you fail then don’t give up trying, nor lose your faith that one day things will have changed. 

Remain positive, remember the good and focus on that. 

Learn patience from the impatience. 

Kindness from the unkind. 

Positivity from those that are always negative. 

Do not let their narrative and the narrative of their lives, become your narrative. 

Catch yourself before you fall. 

And if you fall, then pull yourself right back up, there are always second chances. 

9- And foremost trust in God, because He knows what you declare to the World, what you hide, and what is still more hidden within you. Put your trust in Him who created you, and nourishes you and cares for you. And make sincere supplication to Him for help. 

10- And if you are in need of a buddy, someone that you can talk confidentially to then reach out to the one friend you are closest to. Don’t be scared to ask for or to second guess their response. They may just surprise you with empathy. 

11- And, if you know someone who might be in need of support, then pick up the phone. NO DON’T TEXT. Don’t message. 

RING and TALK. And remember to say these words- If you ever need help then you know I’ll always be there for you. 

And get them to promise that they will call you whenever they need. 

Remember to make it clear to them that the favour that they’ll be doing is from them to you, that you value their friendship and if they call you then they will be affirming the truth of that friendship back to you. That their being in need and being willing to call you, is the affirmation that you want and wish for. 

12- Lastly, if you are willing to buddy with someone who might need a helping hand, who might need someone to talk to in confidence, then reach out to  any of us at the Dream Team. 

Remember if you’re in need, then InshaAllah 

We’ll have your back. 

And be your second, anytime. 

The Dream Team are the following:

Ahmed

Omar

Saleem

Shafees